I don't know what I'm doing

Let's have a honestly moment here, I have no idea what I'm doing in life 90% of the time. The lonely 10% is when I'm eating, sleeping, or pooping. Other than that, no idea. When I was young I figured I'll grow up and have all of my shit together, guess what? I don't. Will I ever? Maybe, Maybe not.

When I moved to California from Alabama I felt all the pressure in the world, not from friends and family but from my damn self. I was walking into a completely unknown world and being a black girl from the south (and by myself) that was scary.  I reminded myself every morning that failure is not an option and I'll make a lane by any means necessary, plus I really didn't want to go back home. That meant that I needed to be the BEST and become an expert at my field.

Once I started my job I realized I really don't know shit. 

Now I knew I had a long way to go in design (and I still do) but there were so many other things that I didn't know. For example the program Keynote, which is the Apple version of Powerpoint (and a lot better). The very first project I had at Imagineering was assisting in designing an exhibit which required interactive iPad designs and just my luck that was my assignment. Again, I JUST found out what Keynote was when I got there. I didn't know what I was doing, but through the grace of God and Google I did it lol!

When I was transitioning out of Imagineering I went on a massive entertainment job search. I was applying for a job with ABC where the requirements included fluency in After Effects. If fluent meant "you know how to open the program" then I'm your girl! I met every single requirement but that one. I went to my boss and said "hey Trish I really like this job but I don't know after effects." She looked at me and said "Laci do you think any man would say oh I don't know how to do this so I'm not going to apply? Apply and figure it out later." She was right, I applied, used Skillshare to at least know where the buttons are, got the job, and never had to use after effects. 

I can give so many examples of situations where I was asked to do something, had no idea how to do it, but found a way to push through it (usually thanks to Google). I'm at a point in my life where I'm searching for whats next. I'm often faced with the question "well what do you want to do" my problem is I don't want to do just one thing and honestly I don't think I should have to. Yes I love design, but what about photography? what about videography and the idea of crafting music videos? What about designing a product and creating content? These are all things I'm interested in and all things that I will do. Do I know how to do them all? fuck no. Will I fake it till I make it? Absolutely. 

This long winded blog post is to let you know two major things, number #1: its okay not to have it all together. Between social media and the fake rules society makes we all think we should be expert adults when at the end of the day we're just older kids with bills. I've been in rooms with executives and presidents of companies who will admit "I have no idea what I'm doing" now of course they do a little bit but there's plenty they don't know and are usually making it up as they go. 

Number #2: You don't have to know what you're doing to get shit done. I want to make a product, I'm going to make a product. Do I have any clue what to do? No. Whatever that dream project is that you want to get off the ground but don't know how, just start somewhere! Even with Google. We've all heard the famous line from Field of Dreams "if you build it they will come". I've heard so many people say things like "once (fill in the blank) happens I'm going to get started. But guess what? once that one things happens you'll find another reason to hold you back. For example an ex coworker would always say "I'm going to work on my brand when my son makes it to the next grade" once he did that it was "I'm going to wait until he gets settled". Don't procrastinate, don't wait until you have it figured out, don't wait until whatever irrelevant milestone you have set in your head. Just do the shit. (I'm telling this to myself as well). One day everything you're doing right now will make sense. As I said before, I'm looking for whats next and I have no idea but I'm going to continue to do the work that makes me happy until I figure it out. 

PS. I'm going on an overdue vacay, I'm still planning to post but if not I'm somewhere with champagne.

Fake it till you make it.